Nothing is Too Impossible

No matter who you are, you can benefit from this post if you ever drive in CT. For it is here that I will reveal the secrets of successful driving in what some folks might refer to as “the state with the worst #^%$ drivers in the nation” and quite possibly, the world.

Allow me to qualify this a little further- when I say CT, I am not really referring to the whole state of CT… I am placing much if the focus on the southwestern region, from Fairfield to the NY border. But these principles I will outline may apply to drivers outside this region as well.

“What makes the drivers in this region so special?” you might ask. The answer is, of course, that there is an unusual concentration of Important People in this area. And where you have an abundance of Important People driving, you have problems, because there is no foolproof means of determining who is of greater Importance when the subjects in question are forcing their way around from inside a variety of different vehicles. There are patterns that emerge but I will refrain from the mention of soccer moms in their behemoth SUV’s, NYC bankers in mid-life crisis mode driving their leased European cars, or the Fairfield County gangstas in their tricked-out Civics. Oops. Well, it’s ok, they’re all Important.

So you want the secrets, already, the tips that will make you a successful* Connecticut driver. I am about to show you the light. But be warned, just because you drive Important and look Important, does not mean that you actually are important. But who am I trying to kid… you are the most Important Person there is.
*subject to interpretation

We’ll do this David Letterman style… After all, he is a Connecticut driver…

10. If the light up there is green and traffic is not moving to your satisfaction, honk your horn. More than once. That should get things moving, and even if it doesn’t it lets those in front of you know that there is an Important Person behind them.

9. The “finger” is so passe. “Thumbs Up” got the point across for a while. But nowadays, you can do one of two gestures when the situation calls for it: A) The “Astonishrug” - look of complete astonishment on your face while shrugging your shoulders and holding your arms out, palms up. Very effective. B) The “Disappointed Papa” - Look very dejected and slowly shake your head side to side in disapproval.

8. The only thing almost Important as an Important Person is an Important cell phone call. Bluetooth schmootooth. If you’re Important, take that call.

7. If the light just turned red, it may be an illusion. There is a chance it is still yellow. Step on it.

6. On the parkway, when driving at speeds in excess of 65 MPH, there is no rule which states you are too close to the car in front of you. The high-beam flash is no longer required. Just ride their ass. Hard and close.

5. Blinkers are optional. That tinky-tinky sound can distract you if you have Important things on your mind. Ties in with #8.

4. If someone pulls out in front of you, speed up quickly to ride their ass so they know an Important Person is behind them. An Astonishrug is effective here, too.

3. This one falls into the parking category, rather than driving, but is certainly worth mentioning: Park any way you like- those white lines are merely suggestions. Better to wait for a spot within 30 yards of the entrance, rather than park 60 yards away and have to walk the extra 30 yards. That’s manual labor, after all.

2. If another driver is acting Important, just remember that no one is more Important than you. Better to keep moving, acting totally oblivious to anything that might just have happened.

1. When merging, let no one in. Every car you let in is one more unimportant person between you and your destination. In the case where you are the merger, just assert yourself next to the most Important other driver on the road. They will not want their paint scratched and so they will concede at the very last moment.

I hope you find these tips useful. If you don’t live in CT, please come visit and try them out. I was almost run over today in a crosswalk by an Important driver from North Carolina. Nice to see some outsiders fit right in.

Godspeed.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 at 8:48 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.